My last entry was written while in a terrible mood, but I'm in a better mood tonight.
What I said about the ubbt having contributed to me having a rotten time of late was true, but it's mainly to do with having had a horrible time all around. I probably gave the impression that I considered the Ubbt a waste and that is just not the case! Here's the all important why:
It is true that the self analysis brought on in large part by the Ubbt has left me with a bad taste in my mouth, but such should be the case with everyone. If you aren't horribly dissatisfied with your flaws something is wrong, and if one says they aren't they are probably self deluded or lying to you. The ubbt's ability to make me see the worst in me is a double edged sword, it also makes me see how to change. Flaws give us flavour, it is true; however, who wouldn't rather have a perfect cake rather than one baked by the clumsy kid for a science project?
Doing the ubbt has, above all else, forced me to apply liberal amounts of kung fu to my everyday life in new and creative ways, which is how I noticed all those flaws which have had me in a perpetually bad mood. Passing the test would be great, but failure is far more useful in many ways. Like I always say, the only real failure is to quit, all else is simply a lesser success.
Useful lessons I've learned:
Always wear a watch; time is Time and I don't have enough for silly metaphors
Doing one thing at a time takes too much time; doing everything at once takes too much everything.
Failure isn't an option for you, but you're an option for failure.
I've been working on this since Sunday, and what was supposed to be an easy article has kept me busy until tonight, so I think I'll post this part and post the rest later.
Ben Davies
Silent River Kung fu
Stony Plain Alberta, Canada
www.silentriverkungfu.com
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Rant
So, this week's entry is about what the Ubbt has done for me.
Well, probably the biggest thing is that the goals and journaling have given me a bit of a framework to analyze my life. I spend all week, every week, thinking about what I should write on this page. It may seem like I don't care about, and I tend to act like I don't, but I actually really do care. When I say I have nothing to write, that isn't entirely true. I always have something I wish I could write about, but it's usually stuff I don't want to write about on here.
Most of my Ubbt has been spent in introspection and I haven't liked a lot of what I've been seeing in myself. Prior to the Ubbt I had the attitude that everything will work out in the end and so it's no big deal if I it doesn't work today. I can always try again later, or just wait to try. Now though, everything is getting a sense of immediacy, so I'm always stressing about how far behind I am on my requirements. It is not a fear of failing the Ubbt which is driving this sense of immediacy, but more a sense of things needing to be done. I've flipped from wanting to leave tough things until later to wanting to go after them first. Yesterday is a past today, and tomorrow is the coming one, but the only one that actually gets things done is Today itself. If I put something off until I've burned through 10,000 tomorrows, it'll still eventually have to be done Today.
Now, as I said, my motivation is not fear of failing, I have no fear of failing since in my mind, I already have. Even if by some miracle I manage to fulfill all my requirements in time it will not be enough. I have already failed on the only scale that matters: my own. I find myself conducting my life in a symphony of mediocrity, reluctant to 'break on through' (as a friend would put it). It's a weird little wall I have. I can often use kung fu as a ram to get though it, like with the vegetarian challenge which I've caught much flak for doing. I can truck along with no real trouble because of the little angel doing push ups on my shoulder and shouting slogans about never quitting and such. This is easy, as are my other personal challenges, such as the month I went with no pop nor anything from a can. Other things lately, though, are seemingly impossible. Push ups, for example, I can't seem to get done. I should make clear, I enjoy push ups. I feel great at every stage of doing push ups. The warming up my arms and loud mental Hu-ah! I do before dropping to the floor and then the burn of trying to do the best push ups ever, and then the smooth soreness of thereafter. The past few months though, I get excited about the prospect of doing push ups but then the little devil on my other shoulder kicks the angel in the ribs and starts off lecturing me about why I shouldn't, or why I can't or blah blah blah. These don't bother me, I do a lot of things much harder than push ups for absolutely no reason other than a whim. What hits me as demotivation is the prospect that it won't change anything. I'll still just be me after I've done them, having accomplished nothing, and will still be just as depressed. On the other side of the coin, I could do an exercise in futility and try escapism; use a video game, tv show, or what not to forget how unhappy I am for a short time. This is why I say that I cannot but have failed the Ubbt. Let's be honest, folks, that there is a ridiculous reason not to do push ups. Which is exactly what I say to myself before realizing I've already started playing the game. It doesn't help me in any way to watch family guy or play Demons Souls, but it will help me to do my push ups (or what not) and will probably make me feel a lot better about myself. Yet in a quest for temporal respite, I make things worse rather than make things work.
Of course though, I can't change the things that make me unhappy. I have an odd fear that if I change myself too much then people will disapprove, and since I don't seem to be particularly well liked, that would be bad. It's odd that this would bother me though, since most of the people I might bother in some manner are generally people who are fairly mediocre and I'm not sure why I hang out with them aside from that no one else seems to want to hang out with me. Also, I think it would be really awkward to tell them I consider them to be utterly mediocre. I do my best, of course, to gain higher quality friends but I fail and all I ever seem to be to people is a friend of convenience with a quick wit and assortment of little one liners. Never seeming to be a particularly close friend, and definitely never a best friend, with the prospect of any real connection, especially of the more than friends variety, seeming as unattainable as proof of Sasquatch. The frustrating part though, is that no one ever tells me what it is that they don't like about me.
I guess I haven't really said anything about what the Ubbt has done for me so much as ranted about my general state of loneliness and self-loathing. But alas, now I must go to sleep so as to be well rested for the tomorrow, which will hopefully turn out to be a less meaningless today.
Ben Davies
Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada
www.silentriverkungfu.com
Well, probably the biggest thing is that the goals and journaling have given me a bit of a framework to analyze my life. I spend all week, every week, thinking about what I should write on this page. It may seem like I don't care about, and I tend to act like I don't, but I actually really do care. When I say I have nothing to write, that isn't entirely true. I always have something I wish I could write about, but it's usually stuff I don't want to write about on here.
Most of my Ubbt has been spent in introspection and I haven't liked a lot of what I've been seeing in myself. Prior to the Ubbt I had the attitude that everything will work out in the end and so it's no big deal if I it doesn't work today. I can always try again later, or just wait to try. Now though, everything is getting a sense of immediacy, so I'm always stressing about how far behind I am on my requirements. It is not a fear of failing the Ubbt which is driving this sense of immediacy, but more a sense of things needing to be done. I've flipped from wanting to leave tough things until later to wanting to go after them first. Yesterday is a past today, and tomorrow is the coming one, but the only one that actually gets things done is Today itself. If I put something off until I've burned through 10,000 tomorrows, it'll still eventually have to be done Today.
Now, as I said, my motivation is not fear of failing, I have no fear of failing since in my mind, I already have. Even if by some miracle I manage to fulfill all my requirements in time it will not be enough. I have already failed on the only scale that matters: my own. I find myself conducting my life in a symphony of mediocrity, reluctant to 'break on through' (as a friend would put it). It's a weird little wall I have. I can often use kung fu as a ram to get though it, like with the vegetarian challenge which I've caught much flak for doing. I can truck along with no real trouble because of the little angel doing push ups on my shoulder and shouting slogans about never quitting and such. This is easy, as are my other personal challenges, such as the month I went with no pop nor anything from a can. Other things lately, though, are seemingly impossible. Push ups, for example, I can't seem to get done. I should make clear, I enjoy push ups. I feel great at every stage of doing push ups. The warming up my arms and loud mental Hu-ah! I do before dropping to the floor and then the burn of trying to do the best push ups ever, and then the smooth soreness of thereafter. The past few months though, I get excited about the prospect of doing push ups but then the little devil on my other shoulder kicks the angel in the ribs and starts off lecturing me about why I shouldn't, or why I can't or blah blah blah. These don't bother me, I do a lot of things much harder than push ups for absolutely no reason other than a whim. What hits me as demotivation is the prospect that it won't change anything. I'll still just be me after I've done them, having accomplished nothing, and will still be just as depressed. On the other side of the coin, I could do an exercise in futility and try escapism; use a video game, tv show, or what not to forget how unhappy I am for a short time. This is why I say that I cannot but have failed the Ubbt. Let's be honest, folks, that there is a ridiculous reason not to do push ups. Which is exactly what I say to myself before realizing I've already started playing the game. It doesn't help me in any way to watch family guy or play Demons Souls, but it will help me to do my push ups (or what not) and will probably make me feel a lot better about myself. Yet in a quest for temporal respite, I make things worse rather than make things work.
Of course though, I can't change the things that make me unhappy. I have an odd fear that if I change myself too much then people will disapprove, and since I don't seem to be particularly well liked, that would be bad. It's odd that this would bother me though, since most of the people I might bother in some manner are generally people who are fairly mediocre and I'm not sure why I hang out with them aside from that no one else seems to want to hang out with me. Also, I think it would be really awkward to tell them I consider them to be utterly mediocre. I do my best, of course, to gain higher quality friends but I fail and all I ever seem to be to people is a friend of convenience with a quick wit and assortment of little one liners. Never seeming to be a particularly close friend, and definitely never a best friend, with the prospect of any real connection, especially of the more than friends variety, seeming as unattainable as proof of Sasquatch. The frustrating part though, is that no one ever tells me what it is that they don't like about me.
I guess I haven't really said anything about what the Ubbt has done for me so much as ranted about my general state of loneliness and self-loathing. But alas, now I must go to sleep so as to be well rested for the tomorrow, which will hopefully turn out to be a less meaningless today.
Ben Davies
Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada
www.silentriverkungfu.com
Monday, November 9, 2009
So Apparently, It's The End of the World
I stole the title for this a really clever piece of prose which none of you have ever heard, but should you ever be exposed to it, you'll remember this blog and say, "Wait, that really was a clever title."
People make very little sense sometimes. For example, this morning my boss told myself and the fellow I'm working with that he'd like us to leave the radio off because his wife is sick and asleep in the next room. I'm helping a contractor renovate Bill (my bosss)'s kitchen. This would be a very considerate thing to do, and makes sense doesn't it? She needs her sleep, we're in the kitchen, and the noise from the radio will make it hard to sleep. It would be inhuman for us not to sacrifice such a minor thing to help her. But there's a problem, children. We're doing demolition.
for safety, I will state what should be obvious. That involves hammers and a lot of sporadic loud noises. However, ever though we're trying to be quiet, the work requires that we make a lot of noise.
So you see, Bill's request was rendered kinda pointless wasn't it? Yet he still made it thinking it would help, and we still agreed as if it would. Then as soon as he was gone we started working. I we didn't do it, we'd have nothing to do and Bill would be paying us to sit around going "So...um, what else happened this weekend?"
My point so far is that people don't always make sense. This is one of the main reasons for the real point of my blog, Women Vex Me To No End. I know it's not all that interesting when compared to my usual topics such as 'My Beef with Vegetarianism', or classics like 'I have nothing to write, what do I do?' but I'm 19 and single, so I think I'm entitled to a little angst now and then.
Here's why they don't make sense to me.
Women should be logical once one considers the psychological arc of the hormones and the fact that women, especially those my age, are culturally pressured to be white and black at the same time. By this I mean that they are taught by the media and such that they have act promiscuously to be desirable, but at the same time taught by others that promiscuity isn't respectable. They are therefore forced to compromise between dignity and desire. For the enjoyment of biologists, will refer to desire as R and dignity as K.
R selected women are easy to understand in the romantic sense. You meet them most often in social settings such as bars and one can use trial and error to find one to hang out with.
K selected women are harder because they're often shy.
When I go out to club such as the Union Hall (Side Note: My friends made me do it) or Oil City I mind my own business, and hang out with the friends who drug me there or watch them fail miserably at befriending women. They are trying to meet women, I am going out of my way not to because if nothing else, meeting a girl there would probably result in me having to return there far more often than otherwise. Logically, they should have a higher instance of success than I. Turns out we both failed. My friends succeed only in making fools of themselves while a procession of women come up to me. Suffice to say, my friends hate me sometimes and we all leave the same way we came in: alone.
It isn't a bad thing that girls want to dance with me, or in some cases use far more overt methods to gain my attention; it's a nice little confidence booster. Rather than judging the product by the packaging, though, I'd like to meet a girl, get to know her and then say to myself, "You know, she's awesome, I should ask her out on a date." So goes my strategy for finding a nice, K-selected girl.
Now so far, we have data supporting the theory that I'm considered attractive to at least a portion of ostensibly intoxicated R selected females in clubs where I don't fit in.
I have female friends, of both the R and K groupings who compliment me on various things on a regular basis (side note: they're probably just being nice), and if nothing else, the fact they like to spend time with me is a sizable compliment in and of itself. It is from this group I'd like to find that 'special someone'. many of them say that they would rather be friends with a guy first and date him second. Well, score for me right? Nope.
Turns out I get turned down. This is fine, a guy's gonna get turned down. What doesn't make sense is when they seem to really enjoy hanging out with me and then I turn out to mean absolutely nothing to them. What in tar-nation is going on when you ask a girl who is always smiling around you out and rather than a simple, No let's just be friends, you start getting ignored by her and told by her friend that she's confused. Well it seems we both are.
Maybe I'm over simplifying but if you like someone, you communicate and probably spend time with that person, whereas if you dislike someone, you ignore that person. Ergo, if you're being ignored they probably don't like you. I can understand needing time to think, after all she had only been broken up with her ex for several months. Now though, she is back with her ex and not talking to me. Wait, what? Suddenly he's a changed man and all the errors which she dumped him for are fixed and I'm suddenly no longer worthy of hanging out with. How does that work? Hanging out with me implied an affinity for my company, but ignoring me implies she doesn't like me. What changed? Asking her out shouldn't considering how many of her friends have asked her out. So what the devil?
The saying no made sense, I expected it and went with the plan of no risk no reward and asked her out anyway.
But anyway, I digress. Back to the point, which isn't my frustration with one girl in particular, but at the fact that in order to find a girl who's personality I like I'd rather just wait until I meet one who impresses me and ask her out instead of drawing from the proverbial deck of contact cards and hope I get black jack.
It would be easy if people were logical and honest, rather than trying to be manipulative. If I tell someone I like their shirt, one can put money on the fact that I like that shirt, not necessarily the one in it, and the same goes for dislike. If I want to say something, I say it. I don't try to manipulate the situations to try to hint my intentions. Manipulation is the same as lying. I don't get why people, who generally seem to be female, insist on manipulating people. Honest
People make very little sense sometimes. For example, this morning my boss told myself and the fellow I'm working with that he'd like us to leave the radio off because his wife is sick and asleep in the next room. I'm helping a contractor renovate Bill (my bosss)'s kitchen. This would be a very considerate thing to do, and makes sense doesn't it? She needs her sleep, we're in the kitchen, and the noise from the radio will make it hard to sleep. It would be inhuman for us not to sacrifice such a minor thing to help her. But there's a problem, children. We're doing demolition.
for safety, I will state what should be obvious. That involves hammers and a lot of sporadic loud noises. However, ever though we're trying to be quiet, the work requires that we make a lot of noise.
So you see, Bill's request was rendered kinda pointless wasn't it? Yet he still made it thinking it would help, and we still agreed as if it would. Then as soon as he was gone we started working. I we didn't do it, we'd have nothing to do and Bill would be paying us to sit around going "So...um, what else happened this weekend?"
My point so far is that people don't always make sense. This is one of the main reasons for the real point of my blog, Women Vex Me To No End. I know it's not all that interesting when compared to my usual topics such as 'My Beef with Vegetarianism', or classics like 'I have nothing to write, what do I do?' but I'm 19 and single, so I think I'm entitled to a little angst now and then.
Here's why they don't make sense to me.
Women should be logical once one considers the psychological arc of the hormones and the fact that women, especially those my age, are culturally pressured to be white and black at the same time. By this I mean that they are taught by the media and such that they have act promiscuously to be desirable, but at the same time taught by others that promiscuity isn't respectable. They are therefore forced to compromise between dignity and desire. For the enjoyment of biologists, will refer to desire as R and dignity as K.
R selected women are easy to understand in the romantic sense. You meet them most often in social settings such as bars and one can use trial and error to find one to hang out with.
K selected women are harder because they're often shy.
When I go out to club such as the Union Hall (Side Note: My friends made me do it) or Oil City I mind my own business, and hang out with the friends who drug me there or watch them fail miserably at befriending women. They are trying to meet women, I am going out of my way not to because if nothing else, meeting a girl there would probably result in me having to return there far more often than otherwise. Logically, they should have a higher instance of success than I. Turns out we both failed. My friends succeed only in making fools of themselves while a procession of women come up to me. Suffice to say, my friends hate me sometimes and we all leave the same way we came in: alone.
It isn't a bad thing that girls want to dance with me, or in some cases use far more overt methods to gain my attention; it's a nice little confidence booster. Rather than judging the product by the packaging, though, I'd like to meet a girl, get to know her and then say to myself, "You know, she's awesome, I should ask her out on a date." So goes my strategy for finding a nice, K-selected girl.
Now so far, we have data supporting the theory that I'm considered attractive to at least a portion of ostensibly intoxicated R selected females in clubs where I don't fit in.
I have female friends, of both the R and K groupings who compliment me on various things on a regular basis (side note: they're probably just being nice), and if nothing else, the fact they like to spend time with me is a sizable compliment in and of itself. It is from this group I'd like to find that 'special someone'. many of them say that they would rather be friends with a guy first and date him second. Well, score for me right? Nope.
Turns out I get turned down. This is fine, a guy's gonna get turned down. What doesn't make sense is when they seem to really enjoy hanging out with me and then I turn out to mean absolutely nothing to them. What in tar-nation is going on when you ask a girl who is always smiling around you out and rather than a simple, No let's just be friends, you start getting ignored by her and told by her friend that she's confused. Well it seems we both are.
Maybe I'm over simplifying but if you like someone, you communicate and probably spend time with that person, whereas if you dislike someone, you ignore that person. Ergo, if you're being ignored they probably don't like you. I can understand needing time to think, after all she had only been broken up with her ex for several months. Now though, she is back with her ex and not talking to me. Wait, what? Suddenly he's a changed man and all the errors which she dumped him for are fixed and I'm suddenly no longer worthy of hanging out with. How does that work? Hanging out with me implied an affinity for my company, but ignoring me implies she doesn't like me. What changed? Asking her out shouldn't considering how many of her friends have asked her out. So what the devil?
The saying no made sense, I expected it and went with the plan of no risk no reward and asked her out anyway.
But anyway, I digress. Back to the point, which isn't my frustration with one girl in particular, but at the fact that in order to find a girl who's personality I like I'd rather just wait until I meet one who impresses me and ask her out instead of drawing from the proverbial deck of contact cards and hope I get black jack.
It would be easy if people were logical and honest, rather than trying to be manipulative. If I tell someone I like their shirt, one can put money on the fact that I like that shirt, not necessarily the one in it, and the same goes for dislike. If I want to say something, I say it. I don't try to manipulate the situations to try to hint my intentions. Manipulation is the same as lying. I don't get why people, who generally seem to be female, insist on manipulating people. Honest
Monday, November 2, 2009
Vegecontemplation
So, I'm well into month three of being vegetarian and I'm looking forward to Nov 24, when I can eat meat again. I have developed a stance on being vegetarian:
Let me start off by saying that I have developed an immense respect for the inconvenience of being vegetarian. I dislike it mainly because so few things are vegetarian when one goes out.
To me, die hard vegetarians appear to be some of the most disciplined people around, presuming that they refuse any and all meat.
Now, as for whether I agree with being vegetarian; I don't see a problem with other people being vegetarian and I can respect their decision. On the other hand, I can see no moral or philosophical grounds to back it up.
Animals are raised so that we can eat them. We protect them, we care for them, we give them great lives (compared to the wild) and as a result of our symbiosis, our food-animals are extremely successful species. if we stop eating them there will be no reason to raise them and they'll be extirpated or worse, extinct. So removing the demand for the existence of something whose existence is dependent on demand seems counter productive. Of course, if someone doesn't feel right having one cow die to feed several people but is fine with several shrimp or vegetables dieing to feed one person, I'm not going to argue.
The argument about land to food ratios on the other hand, irks me. Everyone always says it takes less land to raise crops than animals. Yes, it is true, but they're leaving a lot out. First of all, not all land is suitable for agriculture, but almost all land is suitable for grazing, so pasture land isn't the reason for food shortage. Also, grazing is rather unobtrusive to the environment whereas agriculture requires the wholesale obliteration of everything which used to live there. Rabbits can live next to cows, but not next to crops. Also, agriculture leads to soil erosion, sometimes on massive scales, to unbalanced ecosystems, and often requires irrigation. I'm not trying to say that raising meat is great and agriculture is wrong, I'm trying to say that I don't see any valid reason to be vegetarian nor any valid reason to be morally/ethically/philosophically in favour of either method of food production except for this one: "Because I want to."
If someone says they are vegetarian because they just want to be, I'm totally down with that. I'm always in favour of people following their inclinations. If you want to wear pink, wear pink, if you feel like not eating meat, then don't eat meat. You're not hurting anyone. I just don't like it when people tell me that eating meat is wrong without being able to address those points I've raised.
In conclusion:
I respect vegetarians; however, I personally disagree with their philosophy. If you can find flaw in my views, then please bring them up, I'd hate to be evil while trying to be good.
I recommend that everyone go vegetarian (with no meat, not even shrimp) for at least 3 months and try to live like usual, going out a lot and such if that's how you roll.
Most importantly, follow your inclinations. If being vegetarian does it for you, then I wish you all the best, but it isn't for me.
Ben Davies
Silent River Kung Fu
www.silentriverkungfu.com
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada
Let me start off by saying that I have developed an immense respect for the inconvenience of being vegetarian. I dislike it mainly because so few things are vegetarian when one goes out.
To me, die hard vegetarians appear to be some of the most disciplined people around, presuming that they refuse any and all meat.
Now, as for whether I agree with being vegetarian; I don't see a problem with other people being vegetarian and I can respect their decision. On the other hand, I can see no moral or philosophical grounds to back it up.
Animals are raised so that we can eat them. We protect them, we care for them, we give them great lives (compared to the wild) and as a result of our symbiosis, our food-animals are extremely successful species. if we stop eating them there will be no reason to raise them and they'll be extirpated or worse, extinct. So removing the demand for the existence of something whose existence is dependent on demand seems counter productive. Of course, if someone doesn't feel right having one cow die to feed several people but is fine with several shrimp or vegetables dieing to feed one person, I'm not going to argue.
The argument about land to food ratios on the other hand, irks me. Everyone always says it takes less land to raise crops than animals. Yes, it is true, but they're leaving a lot out. First of all, not all land is suitable for agriculture, but almost all land is suitable for grazing, so pasture land isn't the reason for food shortage. Also, grazing is rather unobtrusive to the environment whereas agriculture requires the wholesale obliteration of everything which used to live there. Rabbits can live next to cows, but not next to crops. Also, agriculture leads to soil erosion, sometimes on massive scales, to unbalanced ecosystems, and often requires irrigation. I'm not trying to say that raising meat is great and agriculture is wrong, I'm trying to say that I don't see any valid reason to be vegetarian nor any valid reason to be morally/ethically/philosophically in favour of either method of food production except for this one: "Because I want to."
If someone says they are vegetarian because they just want to be, I'm totally down with that. I'm always in favour of people following their inclinations. If you want to wear pink, wear pink, if you feel like not eating meat, then don't eat meat. You're not hurting anyone. I just don't like it when people tell me that eating meat is wrong without being able to address those points I've raised.
In conclusion:
I respect vegetarians; however, I personally disagree with their philosophy. If you can find flaw in my views, then please bring them up, I'd hate to be evil while trying to be good.
I recommend that everyone go vegetarian (with no meat, not even shrimp) for at least 3 months and try to live like usual, going out a lot and such if that's how you roll.
Most importantly, follow your inclinations. If being vegetarian does it for you, then I wish you all the best, but it isn't for me.
Ben Davies
Silent River Kung Fu
www.silentriverkungfu.com
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada
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