Nothing but the Wind

I'm sitting in a dark room, eating stew whilst surrounded by surveillance screens. Don't worry, I'm not neglecting my duties to type this.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, since I got back from crossing something off my bucket list by seeing Rammstein and Apocolyptica live in Quebec city. We also visited Manhattan on the trip. I'll write a post about how awesome the trip was, but not tonight.
What concerns me upon my return is that in retrospect, one of the things I loved about the trip was leaving everything, everyone, behind. Now I'm back, back in it all and wondering why my life here is how it is. Why have I made it so? Most importantly, why do I let it stay this way.

A couple days before I left, my girlfriend dumped me. She went from sending me lovey-dovey text messages to dumping me in favour of her drug-abusive ex-boyfriend in less than 24 hours. I did my best to think about her as little as possible while I was gone but now I'm back and can no longer help it. I keep on wanting to see her, call her, or even just email her, but why? What am I going to say?
"Ya, we haven't talked since you crushed my soul...how's the family?"
Why am I afraid of the idea that she might not want anything to do with me anymore, or am I more afraid of the prospect of her wanting me back now? Most of all I wonder why I give a rat's tail about what she, of all people, thinks of me.

The tone of my writing, I hope, is not coming off as angsty (though I'm sure it is). I'm done being sad and I'm done wasting my time. How fitting that I'm listening to Tool right now. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to Kempo on a rooftop 10 stories up with nothing but the wind, the night, and the Edmonton Skyline to keep me company.

Ben Davies
Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada
www.silentriverkungfu.com